MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP has announced shakeup of the LNP campaign for the Federal seat of Blair.
'Kevin Rudd’s return has caused a rethink of LNP strategy’, Lord Berry said.
‘Our polling shows we’re bleeding support in our two key demographics unthinking bigots and Ipswich Mayors.’
‘Turns out you can’t win an election by simply repeating three word slogans. No one is more surprised than me!’
Lord Berry said crisis talks at LNP Headquarters in Castle Greyskull had lasted all weekend.
'I’m chuffed to announce the party is unleashing their most formidable weapon in Blair. Me.’
Lord Berry paused for applause.
'I’m the nation’s most experienced campaigner. Long before Kevin07, I was Berry1777'.
'I gave Abraham Ten Broeck a jolly good scare in New York gubernatorial election that year.’
Lord Berry said he would take over as Blair campaign manager immediately or, at the very latest, by three weeks next Thursday.
His first priority would be to increase the candidate's name recognition.
'I'm flabbergasted that after 8 solid months of waving at traffic, serfs still don't know who she is.’
‘Haven’t they seen her natty scarf? Her name’s sewed right on it in great big letters, by golly!’
Lord Berry said he would ramp up the candidate’s appearance at Ipswich events.
‘My message to those who have accused the candidate of inappropriately and flagrantly gate crashing events across the electorate is that they haven’t seen
anything yet.’
‘On Saturday I’ve arranged for her to ride an LNP combine harvester through 19 junior football and netball matches, mostly at half time depending on our
schedule.’
‘I’ve dubbed it the ‘Caravan of Carnage’ and I warn young serfs to get on board, or get out of the way.’
Lord Berry his sole focus would now be on Blair.
‘I’m directing all my legendary vim and vigour to the task!’ he said.
‘In order to restore hope, opportunity and that other thing, we must elect Tina Hardlinger!’
END
