MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP dramatically escalated the LNP’s claim to be the true champions of Ipswich today by declaring war on the Victorian city of Geelong.
‘That rapscallion Shayne Neumann has been saying he’s the only one who will fight for the electorate’, Lord Berry, director of the LNP campaign for Blair, said.
‘He’s put it on sodding billboards!’
‘Well, I say not only are the Liberal National Party the best brawlers for Blair but we’ll whip any other city, municipality or uppity caravan park to prove it!’
Dressed in his Boxer Rebellion regimentals and sitting astride Wilson Tuckey, his Hanoverian warhorse, Lord Berry said he had lodged the declaration of war with the Mayor of Geelong earlier that day.
‘It took him by complete surprise. I’ve seized the tactical advantage!’
Lord Berry said there were two reasons he had targeted the coastal Victorian city.
‘Firstly, they have a few more serfs than Ippy. There’d be nothing sporting in starting our campaign against a minnow like Warwick. Giving Geelong a bloody nose is exactly the hit out we need before challenging the bigger towns.’
‘Secondly, Geelong has a shameful history of voting Labor. They deserve a thrashing!’
Lord Berry announced that Premier Campbell Newman had enthusiastically approved conscription for all serfs within the boundaries of Blair.
‘I haven’t seen the Premier so keen to pass a law since Segways!’
Lord Berry advised serfs to arm themselves appropriately before assembling in Queens Park for the six-week march south.
‘I’ll rendezvous with those that survive the death-march in October to assume command.’
‘Harry Flashman, an old chum from Rugby School, has loaned me his manor house overlooking the battlefield outside Geelong. I’ll direct the bloodbath from the croquet lawn.’
Lord Berry said LNP candidate for Blair, Tina Hardlinger, had a vital role to play in the looming war.
‘She’ll do what she does best, wave at passing traffic. She’ll be a terrific boost for our boys as they march to their annihilation.’
‘I promise all Ippy cannon-fodder that their pointless sacrifice will prove, beyond doubt, that only the LNP fights for Blair.’
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