'Sheriffs and Sausages’ strategy for naughty children

MEDIA RELEASE

Fake Ian Berry MP has supported a call for the reintroduction of corporal punishment of children made by the Member for Ipswich West, Sean Choat.

Mr Choat brought kiddie whacking to national attention at a recent community forum in Lord Berry’s electorate that Lord Berry didn’t attend.

‘Someone told me afterwards’, Lord Berry said.

‘I was at the club, sipping a tall tumbler of Old Raj, when Chester, lovely chap, wandered up after boules and asked if I’d heard about Choaty. Has he
taken another tumble from his scooter, I asked. We chortled for a bit, and then Chester said no, Choaty had called for more kiddie whacking!’

Lord Berry said that although he was deeply impressed by Mr Choat’s clarion call, he felt it hadn’t gone far enough.

Today he announced the formation of a squadron of hooded horse-mounted sheriffs to patrol Ippy, ready to dispense punishment to naughty children.

‘Sometimes the old ideas are the best ideas’, Lord Berry said.

Lord Berry said the Sheriffs would work in conjunction with the Safe City cameras to provide an immediate whip-based solution to the socially unacceptable
behaviour of those too young to vote.

‘They’ll patrol shopping centres and roam menacingly outside schools, playgrounds and Wiggles concerts’, Lord Berry said.

‘Let’s see if Little Johnny thinks it’s funny to make flatulence noises in class when a stonking black horse and masked Sheriff crash through the door!’

Lord Berry said he understood that many of Ippy’s hardened criminal children would require stronger sanction.

Lord Berry said that after discussions with Ipswich City Council, the Queensland Police and Woolworths, he had agreed to re-open the sausage making
facility at Berry Manor.

‘We put our first batch of ‘Toddler-Screaming-At-Checkout’ bratwurst through on Sunday’.

‘Anyone who rejects the sensible measures outlined in ‘Sheriffs and Sausages’ is clearly a politically correct apologist’, Lord Berry said.

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Morning Tea for Serfs with Too Much Time on their Hands

MEDIA RELEASE

Fake Lord Ian Berry MP today announced a re-skilling morning tea* for Ippy serfs.

‘I am concerned that too many serfs have too little to do’, Lord Berry said.

Lord Berry brought the issue to national attention in non-unhinged remarks in Parliament last week and later in The Queensland Times.

‘There has been an undeniable increase in Internet mischief-making to the detriment of a number of eminent Ipswichians.’

‘Victims have told my office they are quite unable to concentrate on their falconry or lamington workhouses.’

‘I’m determined to put a stop it’, Lord Berry said, looking distinctively Churchillian.

Lord Berry said there was no link between increased spare time and recent LNP public serf cuts.

‘That’s a nonsense cooked up by the Member for Bundamba and noted Trotskyist, Jo-Ann Miller.’

However, Lord Berry encouraged Ippy serfs who, until recently, received a regular stipend from the State government but found themselves ‘kicking about and
causing problems on electric typewriters’ to register for the morning tea.

This includes the following serfs

• Nurses/Doctors/Physiotherapists/Social Workers/Psychologists/Misc Hospital serfs
• Teachers/Senior Police Officers
• Rail/Department of Main Roads/Tenancy Advocacy serfs
• Miscellaneous serfs

Lord Berry said specialist advisors would address the morning tea on careers likely to me in demand in the coming LNP economy, including

• Itinerant wanderers
  
• Rag-and-bone men
  
• 1930’s dustbowlers
  
• Corpse tossers on LNP ‘Bring out Your Dead’ carts
  
• Human batteries (as featured in the Matrix documentary film)

* Serfs are advised to bring their own plate of food. Toilet facilities not available.


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