MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP has announced an archaeological dig for the lost Labor treasures of Ippy.
‘Simply put, I’ve almost run out of things to open!’ Lord Berry said, resplendent in a herringbone safari suit standing some distance from hundreds of workers furiously digging up Queens Park.
Lord Berry has been conspicuously present at the opening of a number of long-running Labor projects in Ippy since his election in 2012 where he courageously promised nothing.
‘With canny management I’ve stretched these over a year! School buildings, a fire station at Ripley, they’ve all made the paper! Each and every one funded by that awful Labor junta.’
Lord Berry said that last week’s opening of the Ippy Hospital car park was the third last Labor project to conclude in the area.
‘Next is the hospital expansion, though I’m not sure Springborg will staff it, which might make the opening ceremony very echoey. Then, finally, the ICON building which we may, or may not, fill with public service serfs.’
Lord Berry was confident the archaeological dig would unearth more projects he could then re-announce.
‘Lurking beneath the topsoil may be an entire school that David Hamill failed to adequately exploit!’
However, he said rumours of Bill Hayden’s ‘Ark of the Covenant’ were likely mere speculation.
‘That said, some months ago I dispatched young Corey from my office to Nepal and he’s returned with a magnificently detailed burn on his hand, blabbering about a chap in a Fedora and the Staff of Ra!’
‘So next month I’m off to Tannis to search for the Well of Souls. I’ve pre-poisoned the dates!’
Lord Berry was certain re-announcing past ALP spending would significantly boost his popularity.
‘Well it would have to, wouldn’t it’, he said.
He dismissed a call for actual LNP investment in Ippy as a class-warfare attack on Queensland’s Triple-A credit rating.
‘I won’t stand for that’, he said, loosing a round from his blunderbuss at the feet of some workers resting on their pick-axes.
END
Monday 13 May 2013
Tuesday 7 May 2013
Get Ippy Back on Track!
MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP today announced Get Ippy Back on Track! the LNP plan to get Ippy back on track.
Lord Berry hinted at the long rumoured document during a recent stoush with Ipswich City Councillor Andrew Antoniolli about a pedestrian crossing on the David Trumpy Bridge.
‘I’ve been beavering away on this each night till before supper’, Lord Berry said.
‘I am delighted to say that Get Ippy Back on Track! Stage 1, the mass sacking of Ippy public service serfs, is already well underway.’
‘Ippy footpaths again bustle with serfs that formerly healed other serfs, to the detriment, quite frankly, of Queensland’s Triple-A rating.’
Lord Berry said construction of the Trumpy Bridge pedestrian crossing signalled the start of Stage 2.
‘This government will dramatically increase the number of pedestrian crossings and other traffic slowing measures all across Ippy.’
‘By 2019 automobiles will be forced to stop every 20 yards for at least 6 minutes.’
Lord Berry said it was simple from that point.
‘Soldiers will marshal the hordes of jobless public service serfs in an endless loop through the city.’
‘Traffic will grind to a stop as the hordes repeatedly use the 8000 pedestrian crossings as they scavenge for food and fight off crows. Apparently the congestion will be visible from space!’
‘Nothing screams progress like an automobile jam. Just look at New York!’
Stage 3 involved the compulsory costuming of sacked public service serfs.
‘They’ll be dressed in 1930’s garb. For some reason that felt right. However, we also plan historical and seasonal variations. Imagine the streets filed with Huguenots or Ginger Meggs characters?’
‘Tourists will come by the carload and their vehicles will add to the congestion’, Lord Berry said tapping his temple knowingly.’
Lord Berry said that Get Ippy Back on Track was the right plan for the time.
‘My message to Ippy serfs is to get on board with the LNP Government's plan to get Ippy back on track or get out of the way.’
END
Fake Ian Berry MP today announced Get Ippy Back on Track! the LNP plan to get Ippy back on track.
Lord Berry hinted at the long rumoured document during a recent stoush with Ipswich City Councillor Andrew Antoniolli about a pedestrian crossing on the David Trumpy Bridge.
‘I’ve been beavering away on this each night till before supper’, Lord Berry said.
‘I am delighted to say that Get Ippy Back on Track! Stage 1, the mass sacking of Ippy public service serfs, is already well underway.’
‘Ippy footpaths again bustle with serfs that formerly healed other serfs, to the detriment, quite frankly, of Queensland’s Triple-A rating.’
Lord Berry said construction of the Trumpy Bridge pedestrian crossing signalled the start of Stage 2.
‘This government will dramatically increase the number of pedestrian crossings and other traffic slowing measures all across Ippy.’
‘By 2019 automobiles will be forced to stop every 20 yards for at least 6 minutes.’
Lord Berry said it was simple from that point.
‘Soldiers will marshal the hordes of jobless public service serfs in an endless loop through the city.’
‘Traffic will grind to a stop as the hordes repeatedly use the 8000 pedestrian crossings as they scavenge for food and fight off crows. Apparently the congestion will be visible from space!’
‘Nothing screams progress like an automobile jam. Just look at New York!’
Stage 3 involved the compulsory costuming of sacked public service serfs.
‘They’ll be dressed in 1930’s garb. For some reason that felt right. However, we also plan historical and seasonal variations. Imagine the streets filed with Huguenots or Ginger Meggs characters?’
‘Tourists will come by the carload and their vehicles will add to the congestion’, Lord Berry said tapping his temple knowingly.’
Lord Berry said that Get Ippy Back on Track was the right plan for the time.
‘My message to Ippy serfs is to get on board with the LNP Government's plan to get Ippy back on track or get out of the way.’
END
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