MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP today announced Get Ippy Back on Track! the LNP plan to get Ippy back on track.
Lord Berry hinted at the long rumoured document during a recent stoush with Ipswich City Councillor Andrew Antoniolli about a pedestrian crossing on the David Trumpy Bridge.
‘I’ve been beavering away on this each night till before supper’, Lord Berry said.
‘I am delighted to say that Get Ippy Back on Track! Stage 1, the mass sacking of Ippy public service serfs, is already well underway.’
‘Ippy footpaths again bustle with serfs that formerly healed other serfs, to the detriment, quite frankly, of Queensland’s Triple-A rating.’
Lord Berry said construction of the Trumpy Bridge pedestrian crossing signalled the start of Stage 2.
‘This government will dramatically increase the number of pedestrian crossings and other traffic slowing measures all across Ippy.’
‘By 2019 automobiles will be forced to stop every 20 yards for at least 6 minutes.’
Lord Berry said it was simple from that point.
‘Soldiers will marshal the hordes of jobless public service serfs in an endless loop through the city.’
‘Traffic will grind to a stop as the hordes repeatedly use the 8000 pedestrian crossings as they scavenge for food and fight off crows. Apparently the congestion will be visible from space!’
‘Nothing screams progress like an automobile jam. Just look at New York!’
Stage 3 involved the compulsory costuming of sacked public service serfs.
‘They’ll be dressed in 1930’s garb. For some reason that felt right. However, we also plan historical and seasonal variations. Imagine the streets filed with Huguenots or Ginger Meggs characters?’
‘Tourists will come by the carload and their vehicles will add to the congestion’, Lord Berry said tapping his temple knowingly.’
Lord Berry said that Get Ippy Back on Track was the right plan for the time.
‘My message to Ippy serfs is to get on board with the LNP Government's plan to get Ippy back on track or get out of the way.’
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