MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP has announced an archaeological dig for the lost Labor treasures of Ippy.
‘Simply put, I’ve almost run out of things to open!’ Lord Berry said, resplendent in a herringbone safari suit standing some distance from hundreds of workers furiously digging up Queens Park.
Lord Berry has been conspicuously present at the opening of a number of long-running Labor projects in Ippy since his election in 2012 where he courageously promised nothing.
‘With canny management I’ve stretched these over a year! School buildings, a fire station at Ripley, they’ve all made the paper! Each and every one funded by that awful Labor junta.’
Lord Berry said that last week’s opening of the Ippy Hospital car park was the third last Labor project to conclude in the area.
‘Next is the hospital expansion, though I’m not sure Springborg will staff it, which might make the opening ceremony very echoey. Then, finally, the ICON building which we may, or may not, fill with public service serfs.’
Lord Berry was confident the archaeological dig would unearth more projects he could then re-announce.
‘Lurking beneath the topsoil may be an entire school that David Hamill failed to adequately exploit!’
However, he said rumours of Bill Hayden’s ‘Ark of the Covenant’ were likely mere speculation.
‘That said, some months ago I dispatched young Corey from my office to Nepal and he’s returned with a magnificently detailed burn on his hand, blabbering about a chap in a Fedora and the Staff of Ra!’
‘So next month I’m off to Tannis to search for the Well of Souls. I’ve pre-poisoned the dates!’
Lord Berry was certain re-announcing past ALP spending would significantly boost his popularity.
‘Well it would have to, wouldn’t it’, he said.
He dismissed a call for actual LNP investment in Ippy as a class-warfare attack on Queensland’s Triple-A credit rating.
‘I won’t stand for that’, he said, loosing a round from his blunderbuss at the feet of some workers resting on their pick-axes.
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