MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP has hit back at suggestions that he is deceased.
‘There’s scurrilous scuttlebutt that I’ve joined the choir invisible!’ Lord Berry fumed.
Dressed in a mauve herringbone blazer atop khaki knickerbockers, Lord Berry suggested a number of sources of the rumours.
‘I’ve narrowed it to the ALP, the ETU, PUP, KAP, my enemies in the LNP, UNESCO, the CWA or MILF.’
‘The Moro Islamic Liberation Front, in particular, are still peeved after last year’s Ipswich Cup.’
‘While I’ve apologised for the damage to the MILF marquee, I will continue to exercise my customary right to celebrate my thoroughbred’s win with a nine canon barrage.’
Peering through his Sunday monocle, Lord Berry warned serfs not to underestimate him.
‘Despite what you may have heard, I continue to respire - repeatedly and resplendently,’ he growled, drawing a deep breath and launching into several deep-knee bends.
However, Lord Berry admitted that he had considered resignation in 2013.
‘I was at a loose end when I ran out of Labor funded projects to open.’
‘Constituent contact was pleasingly low due my electorate office’s piranha-moat and lack of phones or computers. My policy is, if you don’t see it on Downton Abbey, you won’t see it in my office!’
‘But, eventually, spending your days sipping tumblers of Old Raj gin and randomly bull-whipping serfs in the Ippy Mall stops getting your dander up and leaves a Lord wishing for more.’
At his most bored, Lord Berry admitted considering stepping aside for Countessa Tessa Hardlinger.
‘Her negative one-percent swing in Blair at the last election was truly spiffing stuff. She’s unburdened by popularity within the LNP or with party members. She a champion campaigner – whether it’s waving at cars or renting sky-writing planes. And she’s still wearing her badge!’
Lord Berry paused to remove a chunk of venison from his prized falcon Humperdinck’s beak.
‘However, a call from Federal Immigration Repulsor Scott Morrison has restored my vim and vigour.’
‘I can reveal that since early January I’ve been patrolling the Bremer River in my galleon ‘Rum Buggery’ as part of Operation Sovereign Borders, keeping Ippy safe from the scourge of asylum seekers.’
‘I assure serfs I’m here for the long haul, I’m eager to fight the next election and I’m considering reintroducing droit du seigneur in Ippy.'
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