MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP has revealed that he possesses advanced cloaking technology.
‘The Americans and Soviets got nuclear weapons from the Nazi scientists they smuggled out of Germany after the war. I put my goose-stepping boffins to another use – mastering the awesome power of invisibility!’
Dressed in a silk royal-purple bio-hazard suit, Lord Berry said he had first disappeared in 1956.
‘Initially the technology was built into a emerald-green Leyland Titan PD1 front-engined double-decker omnibus – which limited disappearing opportunities to motorways, car parks accessible with a clearance of at least 13 feet and 2 inches and meetings of the Leyland Titan Appreciation Society.'
'However, over time, the Berry Manor laboratory has miniaturised the technology.’
‘It’s amazing what homesick Bavarians will do for sauerkraut and sausage!’
Lord Berry pulled back the sleeve of his bio-hazard suit to reveal a glinting gold watch.
'Now the magic is contained in my commonplace solid-gold Rolex.’
'How clever, everyone in Ippy wears these gadgets!'
Lord Berry cleared his throat, crossed his wrists into an ‘X’ in front of his face and vanished before shimmering back into view perched atop a nearby post box, the air smelling vaguely of sulphur.
‘Easy a pie,’ he said, ‘And ever so useful.’
‘I call it the De-Lamingtonator.’
Lord Berry said that he regularly used the De-Lamingtonator to escape unwanted situations.
‘If a serf manages to cross my electorate office’s piranha moat with the intention of bothering me with some trivial incident from their life, then I can quickly dematerialise and reappear in the smoking room at Berry Manor with a tall tumbler of Old Raj gin and not a trouble in the world!’
Lord Berry said the De-Lamingtonator would have remained secret but for the Electrical Trades Union hinting at its existence in the local paper.
‘The ETU president even asked, “How do get in a conversation with the invisible man?” – well that’s exactly the point!’
‘If a mob of Trotskyist tradies come after you, invisibility is the logical response.’
‘And I say to them – and every other malcontent serf - you'll never catch me if you can't see me!’
‘There’s a little ditty that we Ippy Tories say,
‘They seek him here, they seek him there,
those sparkies seek him everywhere,
is he in Brisbane or hiding under his table?,
that damned elusive Lord Lamington!’
