Senator the Hon Arthur Sinodinos AO
Assistant Treasurer (in Exile)
Senate
Parliament House
Canberra ACT 2600
Dear Artie
I have been distressed to read of your recent troubles following your tenure at Australian Water Holdings.
I am certain your paltry ‘compensation’ of $200,000 for two and a half weeks work per year can have done nothing to assuage your stress and worry.
I’m shocked that you, a top Tory who spent 10 years in the presence of John Howard’s eyebrows, was paid just 4 times the annual median Australian salary for 6% of the annual hours worked.
How can life’s basics be afforded on such a measly sum?
Why, $200,000 wouldn’t put an entry-level Maserati Quattroporte in the one vacant spot in my 18 port garage beside the Mean Machine 00 that I purchased from the Member for Bowman, Dick Dastardly.
Artie, you were truly 100 hours a slave!
That aside, I’m flabbergasted you managed to hold that quantity of water for so long.
I’m no leftist scientist, but I suspect there must be at least several dozen Olympic-sized swimming pools of H2O in and around Australia. What a sterling effort to hold it!
And after Gina’s last Summer Socialist Slaughter and Soirée, you know I couldn't have managed that feat. You saw the trouble I had just keeping the tonic water in my tall tumblers of Old Raj Gin!
Senator Abetz still hasn't forgiven me for spilling my drink on him while Gina had us on the dance floor for the traditional Soirée closing hokey-pokey. He kept shouting about his uncle and that I'd destroyed a precious, historical family heirloom and that I'd face 'dire repercussions'.
What a silly sausage! He shouldn't have been wearing a genuine uniform in the first place.
Plenty of other guests wore replica Nazi kit!
But I digress.
Amidst your troubles I was delighted to see Senator George Brandis, my old chum and lifelong badminton rival, vociferously defending you in the Senate.
It's not hard to see why I consider him the preeminent orator in the history of Westminster parliamentary democracy – finer that Churchill, Thatcher and Pitt the Younger when he wasn’t mired in an opium bender.
Brandis called you a great Australian and he should know. He has all 29 volumes of Andrew Bolt’s annual ‘Top Aussie Tories’!
Call me a bigot, but you must be relieved to have the support of our calm, humble and entirely non-looney Attorney-General.
But I digress.
Over the last few weeks, whilst inconsolable with concern for your welfare, I have also read of the sizeable donations that Australian Water Holdings made to conservative organisations in recent years. These apparently include $33,000 to the ‘The North Sydney Forum’ linked to Joe Hockey and $10,000 to our coalition chums in the NSW branch of the Agrarian Socialists.
Artie, I don’t have to remind you that I’ve long been considered one of Australia’s topmost Tories.
Indeed, since 1958, I've never dropped from Bolt's Top 5 (where I currently sit behind only John Howard, classic 1970s Malcolm Fraser and pre-phone card shenanigans Peter Reith).
As you know, I have long nurtured Australia’s conservative community through my generous awards and scholarships program.
My annual ‘Kick a Serf in the Spine Day’ is now celebrated in 94 countries and my popular parenting intervention program ‘Gazooks! My Child’s Joined Get-Up’ has been greenlighted for a Hollywood motion picture starring Jennifer Lawrence and the ghost of Charlton Heston.
And in June last year, I was chuffed that Rupert Murdoch himself presented ‘The Lord Lamington Perpetual Stipend for Most Arse-Lickey News Ltd Columnist’ at LNP Headquarters in Castle Greyskull.
But I digress.
Artie, for some time I have imagined a project so bewildering in its reckless ambition that I’m convinced it will render not just Ipswich, but Queensland and perhaps the Southern Hemisphere a bastion of Conservative values for eternity.
And so I seek, through you, the support of organisations such as the one you were so recently involved in.
Perhaps, if you have a free moment while addressing the Independent Commission Against Corruption next week, you might mention my request to your former employer.
For your information, I'm seeking funding in the vicinity of 136 million dollars.
I’ve included an early artist's impression of the project below.
Imagine it in gold, topped with lasers.
Yours fraternally
Lamington.
