I tell you, the do-gooder who emancipated the serfs from the workhouses has much to answer for!
Ha! My last laugh fast approaches.
Three weeks from tonight, two hundred LNP supporters in top and tails will be gathered in Berry Manor's Grand Hall toasting my famous victory.
A great many tall tumblers of Old Raj gin will be consumed!
I've instructed my trusted chefs Blumenthal, Oliver and Federal Environment Minister and Masterchef second runner-up, Gary Smunt, to plan and prepare the celebratory feast.
After hors d'oeuvres, oysters, consommé olga, vegetable marrow farci and pâté de foie gras, the evening will climax with an extravagant engastration of two hundred individually prepared Rôti Sans Pareils, the grandest of all fowl roasts.
As I write, hunters and trappers are scouring the Manor grounds to collect the required beasts.
These are,
- an emu,
- an albatross,
- a bustard,
- a griffin,
- a turkey,
- an American eagle,
- a goose,
- a fairy penguin,
- a pheasant,
- a chicken,
- a duck,
- a guinea fowl,
- a kookaburra,
- a teal,
- a woodcock,
- a magpie,
- a partridge,
- a flappy bird,
- a plover,
- a lapwing,
- a quail,
- a thrush,
- a lark,
- an ortolan bunting and
- a garden warbler.
Two hundred of each creature will be gathered in contravention of multiple international wildlife treaties and covenants. Several species are likely to be forced into extinction. No doubt I'll be the subject of another David Suzuki rant in The Guardian.
Rôti Sans Pareils preparation will begin the day before the election.
To start, Blumenthal will stuff a single caper into a single anchovy and stuff this into a single olive.
He'll stuff this pre-stuffed olive into the miniscule garden warbler which he will stuff (with layers of bread, chestnuts and pork) into the slight larger ortolan bunting which he will stuff (again with bread, chestnuts and pork) into the slighter larger again lark.
And so on and so on, until each and every bird is stuffed snugly in the next larger bird.
Finally, each of the two hundred well-stuffed emus will be gently stewed for twenty-four hours with onions, cloves, carrots, ham, celery, salted pork fat, mignonette sauce, parsley, coriander, garlic, salt and pepper.
And then, on the evening of my electoral triumph two hundred victorious Tories (invitations have been dispatched to Gina, Rupert and the ghost of Winston Churchill) will tuck into their fowly feast on silver while Alan Jones and his Chaff Bag Orchestra play the hits and memories of Menzies years. (You really haven't lived till you've heard Alan's haunting rendition of 'Great Balls of Fire').
Afterwards there will be fireworks and jousting.
Each guest will receive a personally engraved Fabergé egg as they depart.
Those who have previously dined at Berry Manor may considered this a subdued evening compared to my previous events.
You're correct.
However, in these austere times I believe its important the we 1 per-centers celebrate with restraint and dignity.
Until tomorrow.
Lord Lamington.
