Campaign Diary - Day Four

Slept through the 4am campaign conference call after Barnaby Joyce and I stayed up sinking tall tumblers of Old Raj gin well into the early hours.

Barnaby's a regular guest at Berry Manor, almost part of the furniture.

(In dim, drunken light I've often mistaken him for the mahogany tallboy Joe McCarthy presented me for my work on his committee. 'Don't dare put that glass on me Lamington!', Barnaby crows if he sees me squinting with tumbler in hand).

Our friendship stretches back to his days as a bouncer and the night in 1986 when he ejected me from the Wicklow Hotel in Armidale. 

I'd been burning up the dance floor, putting on a show with moves I'd mastered at Studio 54.  

New England had never seen the likes of it.  

However, near midnight, trouble brewed when my perfect pelvic thrusting to 'The Timewarp' from The Rocky Horror Picture Show entranced several women, enraging some local mouth-breathing ruffians.

There was some pushing and shoving before Barnaby intervened, escorting me from the premises. He saved those lads from a jolly good flogging and also my political career. 

We've been fast friends since.

He's been on sabbatical at the Manor for the last several months, preparing for the final examination that will fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming a certified Hip Hop Grandmaster.

Each day he paces the Manor grounds, avoiding the flamingos, practicing his performance piece -  Big Daddy Kane's 'Sex According to the Prince of Darkness'.

'Baby you're bound to perspire, when I use
the nipples on your breasts just like a pacifier'

The Federal Minister for Agriculture can lay down some wicked rhymes.

I suspect, once he's a certified Grandmaster, he'll finally give into Jay Z's pestering to leave politics and join his world tour full time. 

But I digress.

At midday I had coffee with Verity Barton, the urbane and passionate public transport advocate who represents the electorate of Broadwater for the LNP.

Ms Barton and I meet in Ippy each each week as part of the Premier's 'Young LNP MP Mentoring' program.

I admit I'd initially hoped to take the Member for Lytton, Neil Symes, under my wing.

Neil's male, but besides that, he and I share a legal background.

I'm past president of the Queensland Law Society, Neil was criminologist in the Woolies deli department. I don't deny I envisaged professional partnership in the lucrative world of smallgoods litigation. This is the LNP after all, entrepreneurial to our core.

But it was wasn't to be.

However, I'm happy to report that Ms Barton won me over the moment she described rail passengers as 'icky'.

'You've a future minister on your hands here, Berry!', I thought.

The first issue we discussed at our mentoring meetings was her lack of transport.

Unusually for a Tory MP, Ms Barton doesn't have access to private aviation or a hovercraft. It was a deplorable situation.

'Oh Lord Lamington', she said supping her Caramel Macchiato, 'I'm have to drive myself everywhere!  I just don't know how I can afford the petrol and maintenance on my $200,000!'

This was problem, I agreed.

She drew a deep breath.

'It gets worse', she continued, 'Coming along the highway this morning, several times I heard a totally weird beeping from my rear view mirror. I've no idea what it means'.

I didn't either.

'I'm sure it's nothing to worry about', I soothed, 'I suspect it's just a respectful beep to mark the passing of a Tory. I'd ignore it'.

Ms Barton said she would do just that and the beeping became something of a joke at the beginning of our meetings.

'Did you hear any beeps this morning Ms Barton?', I'd josh.

'Ten of them Lord Lamington!', she'd guffaw, 'And I expect I'll hear ten more on the way home!'

I'm certain she's destined for greatness in the LNP. Her star is on the rise. Not bad for a woman.

Today she mentioned something about a fine and losing her licence but my mind had drifted to falconry.

Nothing important, I'm sure.

Until next time.

Lord Lamington.

Campaign Diary - Day Three

Nothing significant to report from Thursday's 4am campaign conference call with the LNP brainstrust - the Premier, Slugger Seeney, Treasurer Timbo and me.

The Premier was upbeat.

He told us he'd continue his strategy of telling the media that if he were to lose Ashgrove (margin 5.7%) then the LNP would certainly and automatically lose government (required State-wide swing +10.5%).

'You can't argue the maths', he concluded.

Slugger Seeney immediately, and coincidentally, suffered what he would later describe as a hysterical coughing fit, that forced him to leave the call.

With the Deputy Premier gone, Timbo gently explored the Premier's strategy using words like 'bizarre', 'looney' and 'akin to burning both paddles before sailing your leaky canoe on raging Shit Creek'.

'Relax Timbo', the Premier said, 'Jarrod and I have been workshopping this for days'.

I wasn't able to tell if this had assuaged the Treasurer before he fell victim to the same sudden coughing ailment as Slugger and was unable to continue the call.

The Premier and I were left alone on the phone.

'That's certainly a nasty cough they have', the Premier said.

'Probably contagious', I replied.

'Not too much I hope', the Premier said, 'They'll miss the party for my crushing win over the Jones woman'.

'Quite', I said.

We exchanged small talk about Countessa Hardlinger and then I asked when he might pay a campaign visit to Ippy but, unfortunately, the connection became suddenly faulty - from his end at least - and he rang off.

Later, after lunch and a snooze, I took my CanDo signs into Ippy to wave at serfs and passing vehicles.

The experience had me thinking.

Until recently, I'd been in furious agreement with Treasurer Joe Hockey's statement that the 'poorest people either don't have cars or actually don't drive very far in many cases'.

It's logical. If you're scrapping shillings for tripe, how could you afford a Maserati Quattroporte?

However, today several hundred cars passed me that clearly contain poor people (or rich folk dressing down for a skid-row fancy dress party). I failed to spot a single Rolex, silk pocket square or $200 haircut.

So the poor do travel by car. At least in Ippy.

I remain shocked that they all insist on steering their own vehicles.Where are their drivers? A Maserati Quattroporte isn't complete without a gentleman named Basil chauffeuring you to Gina Reinhart's Summer Soiree, dispensing tall tumblers of Old Raj Gin at command.

Until next time.

Lord Lamington.

Campaign Diary - Day Two

This morning's 4am conference call was a brief affair.

The Premier had to dash to the Coast for radio interviews which gave Slugger Seeney, Treasurer Timbo and I only a few moments to congratulate him on yesterday's performance.

'Booyah! Booyah!', we harked in unison (though Slugger may have said 'Bovril! Bovril!').

After the Premier left the call, we mused for a while about which electorate he might shift to, should the unimaginable happen, and he lose Ashgrove.

Seeney wanted his 'good friend Campbell' confined to the South East. Timbo was thinking Indooroopilly. However, I quickly convinced them on the merits of Ipswich West. Sorry Choaty.

At 8am, I breakfasted with Federal President of the Young Liberal Movement, and noted RM Williams fancier, Ben Riley.

Rilo is a unique and unrestrained political mind and he offered some insights into campaigning while we enjoyed our croissants and tall tumblers of Old Raj gin.

'Lamington', he said, 'You've got to increase your constituent contact'.

I was flummoxed and, even through the gin fog, Rilo sensed my bewilderment.

'You know', he continued, 'Your constituents'.

'My serfs?'

'No, your constituents'.

'Serfs..?'

'...Constituents'.

Then, using a series of hastily drawn notes drawn on the table linen, he explained that serfs - sorry constituents - vote in elections and these votes determine not only their local member but the government.

'Hell's bells Rilo, you must be jolly joshing!', I said, 'I rule by divine right. Why, I'm mentioned by name and title in the bloody Magna Carta!'

Rilo made a face. Must have been the caviar.

'No Lamington. You were voted in by these people and you have to be nice to them. At least until February 1'.

'And not shoot them with blunderbusses...because that's been my strategy since 2012'.

'No Lamington. No shooting. No hovering menacingly over their house in your dirigible. You have to play nice'.

There was a short pause before we both broke into uncontrollable cackling.

'Oh, Rilo', I hooted, 'You almost had me there! Constituents! Ha! Next you'll be pulling my leg about climate change'.

And with that we drained our gins and fetched the blunderbusses for a spot of serfing.

Campaign Diary - Day One

Welcome!

I'm pleased LNP HQ has asked that I keep a diary of our undoubtedly triumphant 2015 Queensland election campaign.

I can't say I'm surprised.  

No less an expert than Paul Kelly from The Australian calls me 'the most curmudgeonly and cantankerous observer of Australian conservative politics writing today'. And he should know! Curious readers are encouraged to purchase a copy of my bestselling essay 'The Ten Top Torys who Saved Christendom from the Climate Alarmists' available on my website and in audio book (as read by Billy J Smith).

But I digress. 

Day 1 of the 2015 campaign began at 4am and my daily conference call with the Premier, Slugger Seeney and Treasurer Timbo. These phone calls are an opportunity for the LNP brains-trust to strategise the day. (We gave the Borg the number for Patty's Pizza at Burpengary instead, which he calls religiously at 4am each morning. Ha!)

Pleasantries were quickly dispensed with (Slugger updated us on a promising new sheep dip he's trialling) and then the Premier told us he would visit the Governor later that morning to call an election.

He was silent for a few minutes when Timbo pointed out that the Governor was on holiday and that the acting Governor was filling in.

'Tim Carmody', the Premier muttered finally, 'Bleijie's Bloke?'

We treated this as rhetorical and quietly waited several minutes for his teeth grinding to peter out.

After the conference call and breakfast, I took a quick tour round the Ippy electorate (well, those sections on the route from Berry Manor to the coffee shop and back). 

No sign of electoral unrest here. 

Besides, I'm certain the LNP will invest to the same level in Ippy as they did in Countessa Hardlinger's campaign for the Federal seat of Blair. No doubt LNP planes pulling 'Vote for Berry' signs will soon be a constant sight over the electorate. 

Finally, my predictions for election day.

1. The Premier will score a smashing victory in Ashgrove, relegating Labor's Kate Jones to 6th place behind the Australasian Amalgamated Pigeon Fanciers Party.
2. Prime Minister Abbott will be a constant presence here during the campaign. We've already purchased Queensland State of Origin jerseys for Tony and Peta!
3. The LNP will retain all but one of our 73 seats. We'll lose Ipswich West to the Australasian Amalgamated Pigeon Fanciers Party. Sorry Choaty.

Until next time.

Lord Lamington.

To Arthur Sinodinos on the occasion of his exile

Senator the Hon Arthur Sinodinos AO
Assistant Treasurer (in Exile)
Senate
Parliament House
Canberra ACT 2600

Dear Artie

I have been distressed to read of your recent troubles following your tenure at Australian Water Holdings.

I am certain your paltry ‘compensation’ of $200,000 for two and a half weeks work per year can have done nothing to assuage your stress and worry.

I’m shocked that you, a top Tory who spent 10 years in the presence of John Howard’s eyebrows, was paid just 4 times the annual median Australian salary for 6% of the annual hours worked.

How can life’s basics be afforded on such a measly sum?

Why, $200,000 wouldn’t put an entry-level Maserati Quattroporte in the one vacant spot in my 18 port garage beside the Mean Machine 00 that I purchased from the Member for Bowman, Dick Dastardly.

Artie, you were truly 100 hours a slave!

That aside, I’m flabbergasted you managed to hold that quantity of water for so long.

I’m no leftist scientist, but I suspect there must be at least several dozen Olympic-sized swimming pools of H2O in and around Australia. What a sterling effort to hold it!

And after Gina’s last Summer Socialist Slaughter and Soirée, you know I couldn't have managed that feat. You saw the trouble I had just keeping the tonic water in my tall tumblers of Old Raj Gin!

Senator Abetz still hasn't forgiven me for spilling my drink on him while Gina had us on the dance floor for the traditional Soirée closing hokey-pokey. He kept shouting about his uncle and that I'd destroyed a precious, historical family heirloom and that I'd face 'dire repercussions'.

What a silly sausage! He shouldn't have been wearing a genuine uniform in the first place.

Plenty of other guests wore replica Nazi kit!

But I digress.

Amidst your troubles I was delighted to see Senator George Brandis, my old chum and lifelong badminton rival, vociferously defending you in the Senate.

It's not hard to see why I consider him the preeminent orator in the history of Westminster parliamentary democracy – finer that Churchill, Thatcher and Pitt the Younger when he wasn’t mired in an opium bender.

Brandis called you a great Australian and he should know. He has all 29 volumes of Andrew Bolt’s annual ‘Top Aussie Tories’!

Call me a bigot, but you must be relieved to have the support of our calm, humble and entirely non-looney Attorney-General.

But I digress.

Over the last few weeks, whilst inconsolable with concern for your welfare, I have also read of the sizeable donations that Australian Water Holdings made to conservative organisations in recent years. These apparently include $33,000 to the ‘The North Sydney Forum’ linked to Joe Hockey and $10,000 to our coalition chums in the NSW branch of the Agrarian Socialists.

Artie, I don’t have to remind you that I’ve long been considered one of Australia’s topmost Tories.

Indeed, since 1958, I've never dropped from Bolt's Top 5 (where I currently sit behind only John Howard, classic 1970s Malcolm Fraser and pre-phone card shenanigans Peter Reith).

As you know, I have long nurtured Australia’s conservative community through my generous awards and scholarships program.

My annual ‘Kick a Serf in the Spine Day’ is now celebrated in 94 countries and my popular parenting intervention program ‘Gazooks! My Child’s Joined Get-Up’ has been greenlighted for a Hollywood motion picture starring Jennifer Lawrence and the ghost of Charlton Heston.

And in June last year, I was chuffed that Rupert Murdoch himself presented ‘The Lord Lamington Perpetual Stipend for Most Arse-Lickey News Ltd Columnist’ at LNP Headquarters in Castle Greyskull.

But I digress.

Artie, for some time I have imagined a project so bewildering in its reckless ambition that I’m convinced it will render not just Ipswich, but Queensland and perhaps the Southern Hemisphere a bastion of Conservative values for eternity.

And so I seek, through you, the support of organisations such as the one you were so recently involved in.

Perhaps, if you have a free moment while addressing the Independent Commission Against Corruption next week, you might mention my request to your former employer.

For your information, I'm seeking funding in the vicinity of 136 million dollars.

I’ve included an early artist's impression of the project below.

Imagine it in gold, topped with lasers.

Yours fraternally

Lamington.

Advanced Cloaking Technology!

MEDIA RELEASE

Fake Ian Berry MP has revealed that he possesses advanced cloaking technology.

‘The Americans and Soviets got nuclear weapons from the Nazi scientists they smuggled out of Germany after the war. I put my goose-stepping boffins to another use – mastering the awesome power of invisibility!’

Dressed in a silk royal-purple bio-hazard suit, Lord Berry said he had first disappeared in 1956.

‘Initially the technology was built into a emerald-green Leyland Titan PD1 front-engined double-decker omnibus – which limited disappearing opportunities to motorways, car parks accessible with a clearance of at least 13 feet and 2 inches and meetings of the Leyland Titan Appreciation Society.'

'However, over time, the Berry Manor laboratory has miniaturised the technology.’

‘It’s amazing what homesick Bavarians will do for sauerkraut and sausage!’

Lord Berry pulled back the sleeve of his bio-hazard suit to reveal a glinting gold watch.

'Now the magic is contained in my commonplace solid-gold Rolex.’

'How clever, everyone in Ippy wears these gadgets!'

Lord Berry cleared his throat, crossed his wrists into an ‘X’ in front of his face and vanished before shimmering back into view perched atop a nearby post box, the air smelling vaguely of sulphur.

‘Easy a pie,’ he said, ‘And ever so useful.’

‘I call it the De-Lamingtonator.’

Lord Berry said that he regularly used the De-Lamingtonator to escape unwanted situations.

‘If a serf manages to cross my electorate office’s piranha moat with the intention of bothering me with some trivial incident from their life, then I can quickly dematerialise and reappear in the smoking room at Berry Manor with a tall tumbler of Old Raj gin and not a trouble in the world!’

Lord Berry said the De-Lamingtonator would have remained secret but for the Electrical Trades Union hinting at its existence in the local paper.

‘The ETU president even asked, “How do get in a conversation with the invisible man?” – well that’s exactly the point!’

‘If a mob of Trotskyist tradies come after you, invisibility is the logical response.’

‘And I say to them – and every other malcontent serf - you'll never catch me if you can't see me!’

‘There’s a little ditty that we Ippy Tories say,

‘They seek him here, they seek him there,
those sparkies seek him everywhere,
is he in Brisbane or hiding under his table?,
that damned elusive Lord Lamington!’

END

Not Dead Yet!

MEDIA RELEASE

Fake Ian Berry MP has hit back at suggestions that he is deceased.

‘There’s scurrilous scuttlebutt that I’ve joined the choir invisible!’ Lord Berry fumed.

Dressed in a mauve herringbone blazer atop khaki knickerbockers, Lord Berry suggested a number of sources of the rumours.

‘I’ve narrowed it to the ALP, the ETU, PUP, KAP, my enemies in the LNP, UNESCO, the CWA or MILF.’

‘The Moro Islamic Liberation Front, in particular, are still peeved after last year’s Ipswich Cup.’

‘While I’ve apologised for the damage to the MILF marquee, I will continue to exercise my customary right to celebrate my thoroughbred’s win with a nine canon barrage.’

Peering through his Sunday monocle, Lord Berry warned serfs not to underestimate him.

‘Despite what you may have heard, I continue to respire - repeatedly and resplendently,’ he growled, drawing a deep breath and launching into several deep-knee bends.

However, Lord Berry admitted that he had considered resignation in 2013.

‘I was at a loose end when I ran out of Labor funded projects to open.’

‘Constituent contact was pleasingly low due my electorate office’s piranha-moat and lack of phones or computers. My policy is, if you don’t see it on Downton Abbey, you won’t see it in my office!’

‘But, eventually, spending your days sipping tumblers of Old Raj gin and randomly bull-whipping serfs in the Ippy Mall stops getting your dander up and leaves a Lord wishing for more.’

At his most bored, Lord Berry admitted considering stepping aside for Countessa Tessa Hardlinger.

‘Her negative one-percent swing in Blair at the last election was truly spiffing stuff. She’s unburdened by popularity within the LNP or with party members. She a champion campaigner – whether it’s waving at cars or renting sky-writing planes. And she’s still wearing her badge!’

Lord Berry paused to remove a chunk of venison from his prized falcon Humperdinck’s beak.

‘However, a call from Federal Immigration Repulsor Scott Morrison has restored my vim and vigour.’

‘I can reveal that since early January I’ve been patrolling the Bremer River in my galleon ‘Rum Buggery’ as part of Operation Sovereign Borders, keeping Ippy safe from the scourge of asylum seekers.’

‘I assure serfs I’m here for the long haul, I’m eager to fight the next election and I’m considering reintroducing droit du seigneur in Ippy.'

END