Wednesday, 7 January 2015
Campaign Diary - Day Two
This morning's 4am conference call was a brief affair.
The Premier had to dash to the Coast for radio interviews which gave Slugger Seeney, Treasurer Timbo and I only a few moments to congratulate him on yesterday's performance.
'Booyah! Booyah!', we harked in unison (though Slugger may have said 'Bovril! Bovril!').
After the Premier left the call, we mused for a while about which electorate he might shift to, should the unimaginable happen, and he lose Ashgrove.
Seeney wanted his 'good friend Campbell' confined to the South East. Timbo was thinking Indooroopilly. However, I quickly convinced them on the merits of Ipswich West. Sorry Choaty.
At 8am, I breakfasted with Federal President of the Young Liberal Movement, and noted RM Williams fancier, Ben Riley.
Rilo is a unique and unrestrained political mind and he offered some insights into campaigning while we enjoyed our croissants and tall tumblers of Old Raj gin.
'Lamington', he said, 'You've got to increase your constituent contact'.
I was flummoxed and, even through the gin fog, Rilo sensed my bewilderment.
'You know', he continued, 'Your constituents'.
'My serfs?'
'No, your constituents'.
'Serfs..?'
'...Constituents'.
Then, using a series of hastily drawn notes drawn on the table linen, he explained that serfs - sorry constituents - vote in elections and these votes determine not only their local member but the government.
'Hell's bells Rilo, you must be jolly joshing!', I said, 'I rule by divine right. Why, I'm mentioned by name and title in the bloody Magna Carta!'
Rilo made a face. Must have been the caviar.
'No Lamington. You were voted in by these people and you have to be nice to them. At least until February 1'.
'And not shoot them with blunderbusses...because that's been my strategy since 2012'.
'No Lamington. No shooting. No hovering menacingly over their house in your dirigible. You have to play nice'.
There was a short pause before we both broke into uncontrollable cackling.
'Oh, Rilo', I hooted, 'You almost had me there! Constituents! Ha! Next you'll be pulling my leg about climate change'.
And with that we drained our gins and fetched the blunderbusses for a spot of serfing.
Tuesday, 6 January 2015
Campaign Diary - Day One
Welcome!
I'm pleased LNP HQ has asked that I keep a diary of our undoubtedly triumphant 2015 Queensland election campaign.
I can't say I'm surprised.
No less an expert than Paul Kelly from The Australian calls me 'the most curmudgeonly and cantankerous observer of Australian conservative politics writing today'. And he should know! Curious readers are encouraged to purchase a copy of my bestselling essay 'The Ten Top Torys who Saved Christendom from the Climate Alarmists' available on my website and in audio book (as read by Billy J Smith).
But I digress.
Day 1 of the 2015 campaign began at 4am and my daily conference call with the Premier, Slugger Seeney and Treasurer Timbo. These phone calls are an opportunity for the LNP brains-trust to strategise the day. (We gave the Borg the number for Patty's Pizza at Burpengary instead, which he calls religiously at 4am each morning. Ha!)
Pleasantries were quickly dispensed with (Slugger updated us on a promising new sheep dip he's trialling) and then the Premier told us he would visit the Governor later that morning to call an election.
He was silent for a few minutes when Timbo pointed out that the Governor was on holiday and that the acting Governor was filling in.
'Tim Carmody', the Premier muttered finally, 'Bleijie's Bloke?'
We treated this as rhetorical and quietly waited several minutes for his teeth grinding to peter out.
After the conference call and breakfast, I took a quick tour round the Ippy electorate (well, those sections on the route from Berry Manor to the coffee shop and back).
No sign of electoral unrest here.
Besides, I'm certain the LNP will invest to the same level in Ippy as they did in Countessa Hardlinger's campaign for the Federal seat of Blair. No doubt LNP planes pulling 'Vote for Berry' signs will soon be a constant sight over the electorate.
Finally, my predictions for election day.
Lord Lamington.
I'm pleased LNP HQ has asked that I keep a diary of our undoubtedly triumphant 2015 Queensland election campaign.
I can't say I'm surprised.
No less an expert than Paul Kelly from The Australian calls me 'the most curmudgeonly and cantankerous observer of Australian conservative politics writing today'. And he should know! Curious readers are encouraged to purchase a copy of my bestselling essay 'The Ten Top Torys who Saved Christendom from the Climate Alarmists' available on my website and in audio book (as read by Billy J Smith).
But I digress.
Day 1 of the 2015 campaign began at 4am and my daily conference call with the Premier, Slugger Seeney and Treasurer Timbo. These phone calls are an opportunity for the LNP brains-trust to strategise the day. (We gave the Borg the number for Patty's Pizza at Burpengary instead, which he calls religiously at 4am each morning. Ha!)
Pleasantries were quickly dispensed with (Slugger updated us on a promising new sheep dip he's trialling) and then the Premier told us he would visit the Governor later that morning to call an election.
He was silent for a few minutes when Timbo pointed out that the Governor was on holiday and that the acting Governor was filling in.
'Tim Carmody', the Premier muttered finally, 'Bleijie's Bloke?'
We treated this as rhetorical and quietly waited several minutes for his teeth grinding to peter out.
After the conference call and breakfast, I took a quick tour round the Ippy electorate (well, those sections on the route from Berry Manor to the coffee shop and back).
No sign of electoral unrest here.
Besides, I'm certain the LNP will invest to the same level in Ippy as they did in Countessa Hardlinger's campaign for the Federal seat of Blair. No doubt LNP planes pulling 'Vote for Berry' signs will soon be a constant sight over the electorate.
Finally, my predictions for election day.
- The Premier will score a smashing victory in Ashgrove, relegating Labor's Kate Jones to 6th place behind the Australasian Amalgamated Pigeon Fanciers Party.
- Prime Minister Abbott will be a constant presence here during the campaign. We've already purchased Queensland State of Origin jerseys for Tony and Peta!
- The LNP will retain all but one of our 73 seats. We'll lose Ipswich West to the Australasian Amalgamated Pigeon Fanciers Party. Sorry Choaty.
Lord Lamington.
Saturday, 29 March 2014
To Arthur Sinodinos on the occasion of his exile
Senator the Hon Arthur Sinodinos AO
Assistant Treasurer (in Exile)
Senate
Parliament House
Canberra ACT 2600
Dear Artie
I have been distressed to read of your recent troubles following your tenure at Australian Water Holdings.
I am certain your paltry ‘compensation’ of $200,000 for two and a half weeks work per year can have done nothing to assuage your stress and worry.
I’m shocked that you, a top Tory who spent 10 years in the presence of John Howard’s eyebrows, was paid just 4 times the annual median Australian salary for 6% of the annual hours worked.
How can life’s basics be afforded on such a measly sum?
Why, $200,000 wouldn’t put an entry-level Maserati Quattroporte in the one vacant spot in my 18 port garage beside the Mean Machine 00 that I purchased from the Member for Bowman, Dick Dastardly.
Artie, you were truly 100 hours a slave!
That aside, I’m flabbergasted you managed to hold that quantity of water for so long.
I’m no leftist scientist, but I suspect there must be at least several dozen Olympic-sized swimming pools of H2O in and around Australia. What a sterling effort to hold it!
And after Gina’s last Summer Socialist Slaughter and Soirée, you know I couldn't have managed that feat. You saw the trouble I had just keeping the tonic water in my tall tumblers of Old Raj Gin!
Senator Abetz still hasn't forgiven me for spilling my drink on him while Gina had us on the dance floor for the traditional Soirée closing hokey-pokey. He kept shouting about his uncle and that I'd destroyed a precious, historical family heirloom and that I'd face 'dire repercussions'.
What a silly sausage! He shouldn't have been wearing a genuine uniform in the first place.
Plenty of other guests wore replica Nazi kit!
But I digress.
Amidst your troubles I was delighted to see Senator George Brandis, my old chum and lifelong badminton rival, vociferously defending you in the Senate.
It's not hard to see why I consider him the preeminent orator in the history of Westminster parliamentary democracy – finer that Churchill, Thatcher and Pitt the Younger when he wasn’t mired in an opium bender.
Brandis called you a great Australian and he should know. He has all 29 volumes of Andrew Bolt’s annual ‘Top Aussie Tories’!
Call me a bigot, but you must be relieved to have the support of our calm, humble and entirely non-looney Attorney-General.
But I digress.
Over the last few weeks, whilst inconsolable with concern for your welfare, I have also read of the sizeable donations that Australian Water Holdings made to conservative organisations in recent years. These apparently include $33,000 to the ‘The North Sydney Forum’ linked to Joe Hockey and $10,000 to our coalition chums in the NSW branch of the Agrarian Socialists.
Artie, I don’t have to remind you that I’ve long been considered one of Australia’s topmost Tories.
Indeed, since 1958, I've never dropped from Bolt's Top 5 (where I currently sit behind only John Howard, classic 1970s Malcolm Fraser and pre-phone card shenanigans Peter Reith).
As you know, I have long nurtured Australia’s conservative community through my generous awards and scholarships program.
My annual ‘Kick a Serf in the Spine Day’ is now celebrated in 94 countries and my popular parenting intervention program ‘Gazooks! My Child’s Joined Get-Up’ has been greenlighted for a Hollywood motion picture starring Jennifer Lawrence and the ghost of Charlton Heston.
And in June last year, I was chuffed that Rupert Murdoch himself presented ‘The Lord Lamington Perpetual Stipend for Most Arse-Lickey News Ltd Columnist’ at LNP Headquarters in Castle Greyskull.
But I digress.
Artie, for some time I have imagined a project so bewildering in its reckless ambition that I’m convinced it will render not just Ipswich, but Queensland and perhaps the Southern Hemisphere a bastion of Conservative values for eternity.
And so I seek, through you, the support of organisations such as the one you were so recently involved in.
Perhaps, if you have a free moment while addressing the Independent Commission Against Corruption next week, you might mention my request to your former employer.
For your information, I'm seeking funding in the vicinity of 136 million dollars.
I’ve included an early artist's impression of the project below.
Imagine it in gold, topped with lasers.
Yours fraternally
Lamington.
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Advanced Cloaking Technology!
MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP has revealed that he possesses advanced cloaking technology.
‘The Americans and Soviets got nuclear weapons from the Nazi scientists they smuggled out of Germany after the war. I put my goose-stepping boffins to another use – mastering the awesome power of invisibility!’
Dressed in a silk royal-purple bio-hazard suit, Lord Berry said he had first disappeared in 1956.
‘Initially the technology was built into a emerald-green Leyland Titan PD1 front-engined double-decker omnibus – which limited disappearing opportunities to motorways, car parks accessible with a clearance of at least 13 feet and 2 inches and meetings of the Leyland Titan Appreciation Society.'
'However, over time, the Berry Manor laboratory has miniaturised the technology.’
‘It’s amazing what homesick Bavarians will do for sauerkraut and sausage!’
Lord Berry pulled back the sleeve of his bio-hazard suit to reveal a glinting gold watch.
'Now the magic is contained in my commonplace solid-gold Rolex.’
'How clever, everyone in Ippy wears these gadgets!'
Lord Berry cleared his throat, crossed his wrists into an ‘X’ in front of his face and vanished before shimmering back into view perched atop a nearby post box, the air smelling vaguely of sulphur.
‘Easy a pie,’ he said, ‘And ever so useful.’
‘I call it the De-Lamingtonator.’
Lord Berry said that he regularly used the De-Lamingtonator to escape unwanted situations.
‘If a serf manages to cross my electorate office’s piranha moat with the intention of bothering me with some trivial incident from their life, then I can quickly dematerialise and reappear in the smoking room at Berry Manor with a tall tumbler of Old Raj gin and not a trouble in the world!’
Lord Berry said the De-Lamingtonator would have remained secret but for the Electrical Trades Union hinting at its existence in the local paper.
‘The ETU president even asked, “How do get in a conversation with the invisible man?” – well that’s exactly the point!’
‘If a mob of Trotskyist tradies come after you, invisibility is the logical response.’
‘And I say to them – and every other malcontent serf - you'll never catch me if you can't see me!’
‘There’s a little ditty that we Ippy Tories say,
‘They seek him here, they seek him there,
those sparkies seek him everywhere,
is he in Brisbane or hiding under his table?,
that damned elusive Lord Lamington!’
Saturday, 15 February 2014
Not Dead Yet!
MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP has hit back at suggestions that he is deceased.
‘There’s scurrilous scuttlebutt that I’ve joined the choir invisible!’ Lord Berry fumed.
Dressed in a mauve herringbone blazer atop khaki knickerbockers, Lord Berry suggested a number of sources of the rumours.
‘I’ve narrowed it to the ALP, the ETU, PUP, KAP, my enemies in the LNP, UNESCO, the CWA or MILF.’
‘The Moro Islamic Liberation Front, in particular, are still peeved after last year’s Ipswich Cup.’
‘While I’ve apologised for the damage to the MILF marquee, I will continue to exercise my customary right to celebrate my thoroughbred’s win with a nine canon barrage.’
Peering through his Sunday monocle, Lord Berry warned serfs not to underestimate him.
‘Despite what you may have heard, I continue to respire - repeatedly and resplendently,’ he growled, drawing a deep breath and launching into several deep-knee bends.
However, Lord Berry admitted that he had considered resignation in 2013.
‘I was at a loose end when I ran out of Labor funded projects to open.’
‘Constituent contact was pleasingly low due my electorate office’s piranha-moat and lack of phones or computers. My policy is, if you don’t see it on Downton Abbey, you won’t see it in my office!’
‘But, eventually, spending your days sipping tumblers of Old Raj gin and randomly bull-whipping serfs in the Ippy Mall stops getting your dander up and leaves a Lord wishing for more.’
At his most bored, Lord Berry admitted considering stepping aside for Countessa Tessa Hardlinger.
‘Her negative one-percent swing in Blair at the last election was truly spiffing stuff. She’s unburdened by popularity within the LNP or with party members. She a champion campaigner – whether it’s waving at cars or renting sky-writing planes. And she’s still wearing her badge!’
Lord Berry paused to remove a chunk of venison from his prized falcon Humperdinck’s beak.
‘However, a call from Federal Immigration Repulsor Scott Morrison has restored my vim and vigour.’
‘I can reveal that since early January I’ve been patrolling the Bremer River in my galleon ‘Rum Buggery’ as part of Operation Sovereign Borders, keeping Ippy safe from the scourge of asylum seekers.’
‘I assure serfs I’m here for the long haul, I’m eager to fight the next election and I’m considering reintroducing droit du seigneur in Ippy.'
END
Fake Ian Berry MP has hit back at suggestions that he is deceased.
‘There’s scurrilous scuttlebutt that I’ve joined the choir invisible!’ Lord Berry fumed.
Dressed in a mauve herringbone blazer atop khaki knickerbockers, Lord Berry suggested a number of sources of the rumours.
‘I’ve narrowed it to the ALP, the ETU, PUP, KAP, my enemies in the LNP, UNESCO, the CWA or MILF.’
‘The Moro Islamic Liberation Front, in particular, are still peeved after last year’s Ipswich Cup.’
‘While I’ve apologised for the damage to the MILF marquee, I will continue to exercise my customary right to celebrate my thoroughbred’s win with a nine canon barrage.’
Peering through his Sunday monocle, Lord Berry warned serfs not to underestimate him.
‘Despite what you may have heard, I continue to respire - repeatedly and resplendently,’ he growled, drawing a deep breath and launching into several deep-knee bends.
However, Lord Berry admitted that he had considered resignation in 2013.
‘I was at a loose end when I ran out of Labor funded projects to open.’
‘Constituent contact was pleasingly low due my electorate office’s piranha-moat and lack of phones or computers. My policy is, if you don’t see it on Downton Abbey, you won’t see it in my office!’
‘But, eventually, spending your days sipping tumblers of Old Raj gin and randomly bull-whipping serfs in the Ippy Mall stops getting your dander up and leaves a Lord wishing for more.’
At his most bored, Lord Berry admitted considering stepping aside for Countessa Tessa Hardlinger.
‘Her negative one-percent swing in Blair at the last election was truly spiffing stuff. She’s unburdened by popularity within the LNP or with party members. She a champion campaigner – whether it’s waving at cars or renting sky-writing planes. And she’s still wearing her badge!’
Lord Berry paused to remove a chunk of venison from his prized falcon Humperdinck’s beak.
‘However, a call from Federal Immigration Repulsor Scott Morrison has restored my vim and vigour.’
‘I can reveal that since early January I’ve been patrolling the Bremer River in my galleon ‘Rum Buggery’ as part of Operation Sovereign Borders, keeping Ippy safe from the scourge of asylum seekers.’
‘I assure serfs I’m here for the long haul, I’m eager to fight the next election and I’m considering reintroducing droit du seigneur in Ippy.'
END
Friday, 1 November 2013
A Letter to the Attorney General
Hon Jarrod Bleije MP
Attorney-General and Minister for Justice
GPO Box 149
Brisbane QLD 4001
Dear Attorney
I write on behalf of a constituent, Mr Harold Davidson, aka The Knee Fairy, aka Berserker Bob, aka Skullarago.
I declare, for your interest, my past presidency of the Queensland Law Society and trust that the unpleasantness of your articled clerk hazing is behind us. I’m told that acetone, a readily available chemical compound, will remove items super-glued to one’s body. Hamsters, I assure you, make loyal pets once detached from one’s nipples. They are also tasty, toasted.
I digress.
My constituent, Mr Davidson, is an upstanding Ippy business owner.
For many years, he and his jolly band of chums have inked Ippy serfs with flaming skulls and anatomically amplified - at least to my experience - women wielding machine guns. Mr Davidson also operates a debt recovery service with efficient and understandable violence. To be quite honest, he has single-handedly kept the nail-through-plank industry viable in Ippy.
Recently I was Mr Davidson’s guest as he and his chums took a two-wheeled jaunt through the Lockyer Valley to attend a series of business meetings. Don’t these modern motorised velocipedes really zoom! My magnificent ivory mane was in a right flap!
After Mr Davidson delivered his cleaning powder to his enthusiastic local sales consultants, we imbibed a refreshing tipple at Satan’s Anus, one of the area’s historical public houses. We even squeezed in a spot of billiards.
I regret to inform that Mr Davidson has been inadvertently snagged by your anti-motorcycle ruffian laws. He currently sits, forlorn and faultless, in the Brisbane Watchhouse.
I support your legislation. You’ll recall I drafted and championed the Marauding Mimes and Miscellaneous Marcel Marceau Act of 1903 when an infestation of the painted pests fleeing the Boer War meant that decent, fully-audible chaps couldn’t walk the streets without colliding with bloody imaginary glass-boxes.
However, I am quite confident of Mr Davidson’s innocence and seek your swift intervention to secure his release. He has left a stockpile of his cleaning chemicals at Berry Manor and I’m concerned the hunting dogs might get into it.
Yours sincerely
Fake Ian Berry MP
Attorney-General and Minister for Justice
GPO Box 149
Brisbane QLD 4001
Dear Attorney
I write on behalf of a constituent, Mr Harold Davidson, aka The Knee Fairy, aka Berserker Bob, aka Skullarago.
I declare, for your interest, my past presidency of the Queensland Law Society and trust that the unpleasantness of your articled clerk hazing is behind us. I’m told that acetone, a readily available chemical compound, will remove items super-glued to one’s body. Hamsters, I assure you, make loyal pets once detached from one’s nipples. They are also tasty, toasted.
I digress.
My constituent, Mr Davidson, is an upstanding Ippy business owner.
For many years, he and his jolly band of chums have inked Ippy serfs with flaming skulls and anatomically amplified - at least to my experience - women wielding machine guns. Mr Davidson also operates a debt recovery service with efficient and understandable violence. To be quite honest, he has single-handedly kept the nail-through-plank industry viable in Ippy.
Recently I was Mr Davidson’s guest as he and his chums took a two-wheeled jaunt through the Lockyer Valley to attend a series of business meetings. Don’t these modern motorised velocipedes really zoom! My magnificent ivory mane was in a right flap!
After Mr Davidson delivered his cleaning powder to his enthusiastic local sales consultants, we imbibed a refreshing tipple at Satan’s Anus, one of the area’s historical public houses. We even squeezed in a spot of billiards.
I regret to inform that Mr Davidson has been inadvertently snagged by your anti-motorcycle ruffian laws. He currently sits, forlorn and faultless, in the Brisbane Watchhouse.
I support your legislation. You’ll recall I drafted and championed the Marauding Mimes and Miscellaneous Marcel Marceau Act of 1903 when an infestation of the painted pests fleeing the Boer War meant that decent, fully-audible chaps couldn’t walk the streets without colliding with bloody imaginary glass-boxes.
However, I am quite confident of Mr Davidson’s innocence and seek your swift intervention to secure his release. He has left a stockpile of his cleaning chemicals at Berry Manor and I’m concerned the hunting dogs might get into it.
Yours sincerely
Fake Ian Berry MP
Tuesday, 8 October 2013
Joining Campbell's Bikie War
MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP has joined Premier Campbell Newman’s war against outlaw motorcycle gangs.
‘I have intelligence that a notorious motorcycle hoodlum is operating in Ippy’, Lord Berry said.
‘He has hoodwinked an upstanding local family, convincing them to rent him a room above their carport.’
‘I’m appalled! I know the family well. The father owns the local hardware store. We’re members of the same lodge!’
‘His son, a young ginger-haired chap, is regularly seen with this two-wheeled desperado. It’s wrecked his prospects in the Young LNP!’
Dressed in a Royal Canadian Mounted Police uniform and twirling a truncheon, Lord Berry said he suspected that the bikie leader was in cahoots with union thugs.
‘Apparently this hoodlum can switch on electrical equipment by clicking his fingers - dark arts straight from the Electrical Trade Union!’
Lord Berry said the bikie leader was running his Ippy empire from the lavatory of a local fast food establishment, referred to as ‘his office’.
‘Goodness knows how many Council regulations this contravenes!’
‘I’ve learned he plans to demonstrate his prowess at Wivenhoe Dam on Saturday by brazenly jumping a shark whilst on water-skis!’
Lord Berry said that he had gladly authorised the use of extreme force.
‘My LNP troopers will go in blunderbusses blazing! I expect several thousand serfs to be mown down.’
‘Anyone who spots this hoodlum is to report him immediately. My office has circulated the following recent image to aid in the identification of this ruffian.’
END
Fake Ian Berry MP has joined Premier Campbell Newman’s war against outlaw motorcycle gangs.
‘I have intelligence that a notorious motorcycle hoodlum is operating in Ippy’, Lord Berry said.
‘He has hoodwinked an upstanding local family, convincing them to rent him a room above their carport.’
‘I’m appalled! I know the family well. The father owns the local hardware store. We’re members of the same lodge!’
‘His son, a young ginger-haired chap, is regularly seen with this two-wheeled desperado. It’s wrecked his prospects in the Young LNP!’
Dressed in a Royal Canadian Mounted Police uniform and twirling a truncheon, Lord Berry said he suspected that the bikie leader was in cahoots with union thugs.
‘Apparently this hoodlum can switch on electrical equipment by clicking his fingers - dark arts straight from the Electrical Trade Union!’
Lord Berry said the bikie leader was running his Ippy empire from the lavatory of a local fast food establishment, referred to as ‘his office’.
‘Goodness knows how many Council regulations this contravenes!’
‘I’ve learned he plans to demonstrate his prowess at Wivenhoe Dam on Saturday by brazenly jumping a shark whilst on water-skis!’
Lord Berry said that he had gladly authorised the use of extreme force.
‘My LNP troopers will go in blunderbusses blazing! I expect several thousand serfs to be mown down.’
‘Anyone who spots this hoodlum is to report him immediately. My office has circulated the following recent image to aid in the identification of this ruffian.’
END
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