MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP has announced shakeup of the LNP campaign for the Federal seat of Blair.
'Kevin Rudd’s return has caused a rethink of LNP strategy’, Lord Berry said.
‘Our polling shows we’re bleeding support in our two key demographics unthinking bigots and Ipswich Mayors.’
‘Turns out you can’t win an election by simply repeating three word slogans. No one is more surprised than me!’
Lord Berry said crisis talks at LNP Headquarters in Castle Greyskull had lasted all weekend.
'I’m chuffed to announce the party is unleashing their most formidable weapon in Blair. Me.’
Lord Berry paused for applause.
'I’m the nation’s most experienced campaigner. Long before Kevin07, I was Berry1777'.
'I gave Abraham Ten Broeck a jolly good scare in New York gubernatorial election that year.’
Lord Berry said he would take over as Blair campaign manager immediately or, at the very latest, by three weeks next Thursday.
His first priority would be to increase the candidate's name recognition.
'I'm flabbergasted that after 8 solid months of waving at traffic, serfs still don't know who she is.’
‘Haven’t they seen her natty scarf? Her name’s sewed right on it in great big letters, by golly!’
Lord Berry said he would ramp up the candidate’s appearance at Ipswich events.
‘My message to those who have accused the candidate of inappropriately and flagrantly gate crashing events across the electorate is that they haven’t seen
anything yet.’
‘On Saturday I’ve arranged for her to ride an LNP combine harvester through 19 junior football and netball matches, mostly at half time depending on our
schedule.’
‘I’ve dubbed it the ‘Caravan of Carnage’ and I warn young serfs to get on board, or get out of the way.’
Lord Berry his sole focus would now be on Blair.
‘I’m directing all my legendary vim and vigour to the task!’ he said.
‘In order to restore hope, opportunity and that other thing, we must elect Tina Hardlinger!’
END
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Monday, 13 May 2013
Raiders of the Lost Labor Ark
MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP has announced an archaeological dig for the lost Labor treasures of Ippy.
‘Simply put, I’ve almost run out of things to open!’ Lord Berry said, resplendent in a herringbone safari suit standing some distance from hundreds of workers furiously digging up Queens Park.
Lord Berry has been conspicuously present at the opening of a number of long-running Labor projects in Ippy since his election in 2012 where he courageously promised nothing.
‘With canny management I’ve stretched these over a year! School buildings, a fire station at Ripley, they’ve all made the paper! Each and every one funded by that awful Labor junta.’
Lord Berry said that last week’s opening of the Ippy Hospital car park was the third last Labor project to conclude in the area.
‘Next is the hospital expansion, though I’m not sure Springborg will staff it, which might make the opening ceremony very echoey. Then, finally, the ICON building which we may, or may not, fill with public service serfs.’
Lord Berry was confident the archaeological dig would unearth more projects he could then re-announce.
‘Lurking beneath the topsoil may be an entire school that David Hamill failed to adequately exploit!’
However, he said rumours of Bill Hayden’s ‘Ark of the Covenant’ were likely mere speculation.
‘That said, some months ago I dispatched young Corey from my office to Nepal and he’s returned with a magnificently detailed burn on his hand, blabbering about a chap in a Fedora and the Staff of Ra!’
‘So next month I’m off to Tannis to search for the Well of Souls. I’ve pre-poisoned the dates!’
Lord Berry was certain re-announcing past ALP spending would significantly boost his popularity.
‘Well it would have to, wouldn’t it’, he said.
He dismissed a call for actual LNP investment in Ippy as a class-warfare attack on Queensland’s Triple-A credit rating.
‘I won’t stand for that’, he said, loosing a round from his blunderbuss at the feet of some workers resting on their pick-axes.
END
Fake Ian Berry MP has announced an archaeological dig for the lost Labor treasures of Ippy.
‘Simply put, I’ve almost run out of things to open!’ Lord Berry said, resplendent in a herringbone safari suit standing some distance from hundreds of workers furiously digging up Queens Park.
Lord Berry has been conspicuously present at the opening of a number of long-running Labor projects in Ippy since his election in 2012 where he courageously promised nothing.
‘With canny management I’ve stretched these over a year! School buildings, a fire station at Ripley, they’ve all made the paper! Each and every one funded by that awful Labor junta.’
Lord Berry said that last week’s opening of the Ippy Hospital car park was the third last Labor project to conclude in the area.
‘Next is the hospital expansion, though I’m not sure Springborg will staff it, which might make the opening ceremony very echoey. Then, finally, the ICON building which we may, or may not, fill with public service serfs.’
Lord Berry was confident the archaeological dig would unearth more projects he could then re-announce.
‘Lurking beneath the topsoil may be an entire school that David Hamill failed to adequately exploit!’
However, he said rumours of Bill Hayden’s ‘Ark of the Covenant’ were likely mere speculation.
‘That said, some months ago I dispatched young Corey from my office to Nepal and he’s returned with a magnificently detailed burn on his hand, blabbering about a chap in a Fedora and the Staff of Ra!’
‘So next month I’m off to Tannis to search for the Well of Souls. I’ve pre-poisoned the dates!’
Lord Berry was certain re-announcing past ALP spending would significantly boost his popularity.
‘Well it would have to, wouldn’t it’, he said.
He dismissed a call for actual LNP investment in Ippy as a class-warfare attack on Queensland’s Triple-A credit rating.
‘I won’t stand for that’, he said, loosing a round from his blunderbuss at the feet of some workers resting on their pick-axes.
END
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
Get Ippy Back on Track!
MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP today announced Get Ippy Back on Track! the LNP plan to get Ippy back on track.
Lord Berry hinted at the long rumoured document during a recent stoush with Ipswich City Councillor Andrew Antoniolli about a pedestrian crossing on the David Trumpy Bridge.
‘I’ve been beavering away on this each night till before supper’, Lord Berry said.
‘I am delighted to say that Get Ippy Back on Track! Stage 1, the mass sacking of Ippy public service serfs, is already well underway.’
‘Ippy footpaths again bustle with serfs that formerly healed other serfs, to the detriment, quite frankly, of Queensland’s Triple-A rating.’
Lord Berry said construction of the Trumpy Bridge pedestrian crossing signalled the start of Stage 2.
‘This government will dramatically increase the number of pedestrian crossings and other traffic slowing measures all across Ippy.’
‘By 2019 automobiles will be forced to stop every 20 yards for at least 6 minutes.’
Lord Berry said it was simple from that point.
‘Soldiers will marshal the hordes of jobless public service serfs in an endless loop through the city.’
‘Traffic will grind to a stop as the hordes repeatedly use the 8000 pedestrian crossings as they scavenge for food and fight off crows. Apparently the congestion will be visible from space!’
‘Nothing screams progress like an automobile jam. Just look at New York!’
Stage 3 involved the compulsory costuming of sacked public service serfs.
‘They’ll be dressed in 1930’s garb. For some reason that felt right. However, we also plan historical and seasonal variations. Imagine the streets filed with Huguenots or Ginger Meggs characters?’
‘Tourists will come by the carload and their vehicles will add to the congestion’, Lord Berry said tapping his temple knowingly.’
Lord Berry said that Get Ippy Back on Track was the right plan for the time.
‘My message to Ippy serfs is to get on board with the LNP Government's plan to get Ippy back on track or get out of the way.’
END
Fake Ian Berry MP today announced Get Ippy Back on Track! the LNP plan to get Ippy back on track.
Lord Berry hinted at the long rumoured document during a recent stoush with Ipswich City Councillor Andrew Antoniolli about a pedestrian crossing on the David Trumpy Bridge.
‘I’ve been beavering away on this each night till before supper’, Lord Berry said.
‘I am delighted to say that Get Ippy Back on Track! Stage 1, the mass sacking of Ippy public service serfs, is already well underway.’
‘Ippy footpaths again bustle with serfs that formerly healed other serfs, to the detriment, quite frankly, of Queensland’s Triple-A rating.’
Lord Berry said construction of the Trumpy Bridge pedestrian crossing signalled the start of Stage 2.
‘This government will dramatically increase the number of pedestrian crossings and other traffic slowing measures all across Ippy.’
‘By 2019 automobiles will be forced to stop every 20 yards for at least 6 minutes.’
Lord Berry said it was simple from that point.
‘Soldiers will marshal the hordes of jobless public service serfs in an endless loop through the city.’
‘Traffic will grind to a stop as the hordes repeatedly use the 8000 pedestrian crossings as they scavenge for food and fight off crows. Apparently the congestion will be visible from space!’
‘Nothing screams progress like an automobile jam. Just look at New York!’
Stage 3 involved the compulsory costuming of sacked public service serfs.
‘They’ll be dressed in 1930’s garb. For some reason that felt right. However, we also plan historical and seasonal variations. Imagine the streets filed with Huguenots or Ginger Meggs characters?’
‘Tourists will come by the carload and their vehicles will add to the congestion’, Lord Berry said tapping his temple knowingly.’
Lord Berry said that Get Ippy Back on Track was the right plan for the time.
‘My message to Ippy serfs is to get on board with the LNP Government's plan to get Ippy back on track or get out of the way.’
END
Monday, 29 April 2013
'Sheriffs and Sausages’ strategy for naughty children
MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Ian Berry MP has supported a call for the reintroduction of corporal punishment of children made by the Member for Ipswich West, Sean Choat.
Mr Choat brought kiddie whacking to national attention at a recent community forum in Lord Berry’s electorate that Lord Berry didn’t attend.
‘Someone told me afterwards’, Lord Berry said.
‘I was at the club, sipping a tall tumbler of Old Raj, when Chester, lovely chap, wandered up after boules and asked if I’d heard about Choaty. Has he
taken another tumble from his scooter, I asked. We chortled for a bit, and then Chester said no, Choaty had called for more kiddie whacking!’
Lord Berry said that although he was deeply impressed by Mr Choat’s clarion call, he felt it hadn’t gone far enough.
Today he announced the formation of a squadron of hooded horse-mounted sheriffs to patrol Ippy, ready to dispense punishment to naughty children.
‘Sometimes the old ideas are the best ideas’, Lord Berry said.
Lord Berry said the Sheriffs would work in conjunction with the Safe City cameras to provide an immediate whip-based solution to the socially unacceptable
behaviour of those too young to vote.
‘They’ll patrol shopping centres and roam menacingly outside schools, playgrounds and Wiggles concerts’, Lord Berry said.
‘Let’s see if Little Johnny thinks it’s funny to make flatulence noises in class when a stonking black horse and masked Sheriff crash through the door!’
Lord Berry said he understood that many of Ippy’s hardened criminal children would require stronger sanction.
Lord Berry said that after discussions with Ipswich City Council, the Queensland Police and Woolworths, he had agreed to re-open the sausage making
facility at Berry Manor.
‘We put our first batch of ‘Toddler-Screaming-At-Checkout’ bratwurst through on Sunday’.
‘Anyone who rejects the sensible measures outlined in ‘Sheriffs and Sausages’ is clearly a politically correct apologist’, Lord Berry said.
END
Fake Ian Berry MP has supported a call for the reintroduction of corporal punishment of children made by the Member for Ipswich West, Sean Choat.
Mr Choat brought kiddie whacking to national attention at a recent community forum in Lord Berry’s electorate that Lord Berry didn’t attend.
‘Someone told me afterwards’, Lord Berry said.
‘I was at the club, sipping a tall tumbler of Old Raj, when Chester, lovely chap, wandered up after boules and asked if I’d heard about Choaty. Has he
taken another tumble from his scooter, I asked. We chortled for a bit, and then Chester said no, Choaty had called for more kiddie whacking!’
Lord Berry said that although he was deeply impressed by Mr Choat’s clarion call, he felt it hadn’t gone far enough.
Today he announced the formation of a squadron of hooded horse-mounted sheriffs to patrol Ippy, ready to dispense punishment to naughty children.
‘Sometimes the old ideas are the best ideas’, Lord Berry said.
Lord Berry said the Sheriffs would work in conjunction with the Safe City cameras to provide an immediate whip-based solution to the socially unacceptable
behaviour of those too young to vote.
‘They’ll patrol shopping centres and roam menacingly outside schools, playgrounds and Wiggles concerts’, Lord Berry said.
‘Let’s see if Little Johnny thinks it’s funny to make flatulence noises in class when a stonking black horse and masked Sheriff crash through the door!’
Lord Berry said he understood that many of Ippy’s hardened criminal children would require stronger sanction.
Lord Berry said that after discussions with Ipswich City Council, the Queensland Police and Woolworths, he had agreed to re-open the sausage making
facility at Berry Manor.
‘We put our first batch of ‘Toddler-Screaming-At-Checkout’ bratwurst through on Sunday’.
‘Anyone who rejects the sensible measures outlined in ‘Sheriffs and Sausages’ is clearly a politically correct apologist’, Lord Berry said.
END
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
Morning Tea for Serfs with Too Much Time on their Hands
MEDIA RELEASE
Fake Lord Ian Berry MP today announced a re-skilling morning tea* for Ippy serfs.
‘I am concerned that too many serfs have too little to do’, Lord Berry said.
Lord Berry brought the issue to national attention in non-unhinged remarks in Parliament last week and later in The Queensland Times.
‘There has been an undeniable increase in Internet mischief-making to the detriment of a number of eminent Ipswichians.’
‘Victims have told my office they are quite unable to concentrate on their falconry or lamington workhouses.’
‘I’m determined to put a stop it’, Lord Berry said, looking distinctively Churchillian.
Lord Berry said there was no link between increased spare time and recent LNP public serf cuts.
‘That’s a nonsense cooked up by the Member for Bundamba and noted Trotskyist, Jo-Ann Miller.’
However, Lord Berry encouraged Ippy serfs who, until recently, received a regular stipend from the State government but found themselves ‘kicking about and
causing problems on electric typewriters’ to register for the morning tea.
This includes the following serfs
END
Fake Lord Ian Berry MP today announced a re-skilling morning tea* for Ippy serfs.
‘I am concerned that too many serfs have too little to do’, Lord Berry said.
Lord Berry brought the issue to national attention in non-unhinged remarks in Parliament last week and later in The Queensland Times.
‘There has been an undeniable increase in Internet mischief-making to the detriment of a number of eminent Ipswichians.’
‘Victims have told my office they are quite unable to concentrate on their falconry or lamington workhouses.’
‘I’m determined to put a stop it’, Lord Berry said, looking distinctively Churchillian.
Lord Berry said there was no link between increased spare time and recent LNP public serf cuts.
‘That’s a nonsense cooked up by the Member for Bundamba and noted Trotskyist, Jo-Ann Miller.’
However, Lord Berry encouraged Ippy serfs who, until recently, received a regular stipend from the State government but found themselves ‘kicking about and
causing problems on electric typewriters’ to register for the morning tea.
This includes the following serfs
- Nurses/Doctors/Physiotherapists/Social Workers/Psychologists/Misc Hospital serfs
- Teachers/Senior Police Officers
- Rail/Department of Main Roads/Tenancy Advocacy serfs
- Miscellaneous serfs
-
Itinerant wanderers
-
Rag-and-bone men
-
1930’s dustbowlers
-
Corpse tossers on LNP ‘Bring out Your Dead’ carts
- Human batteries (as featured in the Matrix documentary film)
END
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